


Burn the Couch

by BerryBagel



Series: Every Day is Leg Day [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Accidental Vegas Marriage!, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, M/M, Sex on Furniture (Implied!)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 17:44:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18530005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerryBagel/pseuds/BerryBagel
Summary: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  What happens in the Starks' living room, on the other hand, is going to be thoroughly investigated.Stand-alone sequel to Skipping Leg Day





	Burn the Couch

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [烧了那沙发](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20215588) by [kouichigirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kouichigirl/pseuds/kouichigirl)



> Turns out the legal gambling age in Las Vegas is actually 21, so this takes place about two years after Skipping Leg Day :)

Arya has nothing but Sansa’s well-being in mind, here.  Sansa is a total nerd but a complete sweetheart, and objectively deserves the world.  So any observations Arya makes about Sansa’s love life come from a place of caring.

 

Also, if she’s right about this, Gendry owes her twenty dollars.

 

“I really don’t think Sansa’s sleeping with Theon.” Gendry reiterates, like an unknowing fool.

 

“I found a pair of his underwear behind the couch yesterday.  So as much as it pains me to face the facts here, they  _ are _ sleeping together.  In the living room of my family home.” Arya says.

 

Arya looks around said living room with some discomfort.  She’s sitting in the armchair, because she figures that’s the furniture least likely to have been defiled by a sexual act.  This is practically expected behavior from Theon, but Arya expected more from Sansa. Maybe Sansa made him put down a towel, first, at least.  Arya still won’t be sitting on the couch at any point in the near future. There isn’t enough deep-cleaning in the world to give her peace of mind.

 

Gendry is sitting on the couch, because he doesn’t think Theon and Sansa are sleeping together.  He doesn’t think any degenerate behavior has occurred on any furniture in this room.

 

“How’d you even know they’re Theon’s underwear?” Gendry asks.

 

“They were monogrammed.” Arya tells him.  She was so afraid Gendry was never gonna ask, and she’d have to keep that discovery to herself forever.

 

“That’s insufferable.” Gendry says.  “But like, that doesn’t mean they’re sleeping together.  I’m sure I’ve accidentally left underwear here once or twice.”

 

“Yeah, and we’re sleeping together, idiot.” Arya and Gendry take a brief intermission from their debate to grin smugly at each other.

 

“Before that started, I mean.” He clarifies.

 

* * *

Theon is almost guaranteed to be the weak link in this scenario, so Arya corners him first.  Theon doesn’t seem to be aware he’s being cornered. He just sits there at the Starks’ kitchen table, drinking his Starbucks latte, as if that in and of itself isn’t a complete giveaway.  Sansa loves Starbucks.

 

“What brings you here this morning?” Arya asks.

 

“Oh, I went to Starbucks with Sansa.” Theon says.  Arya wasn’t expecting him to be quite so forthcoming with that information, but she was right, so she isn’t gonna get overly concerned about it.

 

“Why?” Arya asks.

 

“Like...I was gonna hang out with Robb, but he forgot he had to drop off papers or whatever, so he went in to the office and I got coffee with Sansa.  Are you... mad we didn’t invite you? Why are you being weird?” Theon asks. He takes a drink from his coffee.  _ Thoon _ is scribbled on the side of the cup.  Theon goes to Starbucks often enough that they almost know his name.

 

“I’m not being weird.” Arya says.

 

“Okay.” There’s a long pause.

 

“So, what’s going on with you?” Arya finally asks.

 

Theon considers for a moment.  “Not a lot. I might switch dentists.  Robb thinks Dr.Bolton is probably a sociopath.  I was getting a tooth pulled the other day, and-” Arya stops listening, because she’s heard Robb complain about Theon’s dentist three times this week already.  She nods along with the story. It’s super fucked up that Dr.Bolton does extractions without anesthetic. Yeah, he should probably be reported or maybe sued.

 

“-but what’s a little nerve damage compared to the crazy weekend  _ you _ probably had, am I right?” Theon finishes his tale, taking a swig from his latte.

 

Arya, Gendry, and Jon took a weekend trip to Vegas, to celebrate the start of Arya’s spring break.  It was a good time. Arya doesn’t remember about half of what happened, and has been permanently sworn to secrecy over the other half.

 

“It wasn’t  _ that _ crazy.” Arya says.

 

“Your loss.” Theon says.

 

“What’d you and Sansa do while we were gone?” Arya asks, trying to be a little more direct about it.

 

“I dunno what Sansa did.  I got my tooth pulled...were you even listening?”

 

* * *

Arya catches up with Sansa in the living room.  Sansa is reading a romance novel and looking perfectly nonchalant.

 

“Arya!  How was Vegas?” Sansa asks.  She puts a bookmark in her novel and sets it aside, which means she’s anticipating a full conversation, here.  Suspicious.

 

“It was good.” Arya says.  She moves towards the couch, gauging Sansa’s reaction.  Sansa doesn’t even flinch, apparently perfectly content to let Arya sit on whatever dried fluids are soaked into the couch now.

 

“Did anything happen while you were there?” Sansa asks.

 

“A lot of things happened.” But this isn’t about Arya’s weekend.

 

“I talked to Jon.  He was acting weird and evasive.” Sansa says.

 

“That’s just because Jon’s bad at keeping secrets.” Arya says.

 

“What secret is Jon keeping?” Sansa asks.

 

“Not telling, because I’m  _ great _ at keeping secrets.” Arya says.  “How’d your weekend go?”

 

Sansa sighs.  “It wasn’t as relaxing as I was expecting.  Shaggydog got in a fight with the skunk that lives in the bushes out back. I’ve got a big test in my history of government class next week.  Theon’s trying to sue his dentist, so I had to help him look up some malpractice lawyers.”

 

“Theon was here?” Arya asks.

 

“Theon’s always here, you know that.  And the dentist situation is a whole mess, I’m sure he’s mentioned it.” Sansa says.

 

“Was anyone else here?  Or was it just the two of you?” Arya asks.

 

“I don’t know, Robb was also around, why?” Sansa’s face drops.  “Does Theon need an alibi for something?  _ Gods _ , did he get arrested again?”

 

* * *

Nothing much happens for the next few days, and Arya is about willing to put the whole situation behind her.  Gendry may actually be right. Who  _ hasn’t _ left a pair of underwear at a friend’s house once or twice?

 

Then additional information comes to light, and Arya is forced to return to her original theory.

 

She slams into Gendry’s apartment, phone in hand.  He’s on the fifth floor and the elevators are broken, so she’s a little bit winded from all the stairs.  She usually stands outside his door to catch her breath first, because if she looks winded Gendry brags about having better aerobic endurance than her.  Today she doesn’t even pause, which is really telling of how exciting the news is.

 

Gendry pokes his head out of the kitchen.  Jon appears seconds later, also looking like a startled prairie dog.  Gendry and Jon met a few months ago and really hit it off. Now they sometimes hang out together.  They don’t speak or look at each other for several hours at a time, while working on completely separate projects.  It seems like a solid friendship.

 

Arya takes a few deep breaths so she can deliver the news with maximum dramatic inflection.  “Theon just sent me a dick pic.”

 

Jon and Gendry exchange a look.  “We’re gonna go fight Theon?” Gendry asks Jon.

 

“Sounds like it.”  Jon says to Gendry.  “You’re pretty big, so I think you should probably get the jump on him.  I’ll come around from behind-”

 

“Don’t do that, because  _ this _ was the next message.” Arya says.  She passes over her phone. Jon squints at the screen with dissatisfaction.

 

“ _ ‘Wrong number, lmao’ _ ” Jon narrates.

 

“Don’t scroll up on that.” Arya says.

 

“I still kinda feel like we should fight him.” Gendry says.

 

Arya shakes her head.  “The point is, he was trying to send this to someone else.  Probably someone in his contacts list, and he accidentally clicked on my name.  Who’d be saved in Theon’s contact list near my name?”

 

“Do emojis get alphabetized?  Theon strikes me as one of those people who puts a bunch of emojis next to everyone’s names.” Jon says.

 

“Are you saying you still think Sansa and Theon are sleeping together?” Gendry asks.

 

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.  And now I’m suffering collateral damage.”  Seeing the photo no doubt removed entire years from Arya’s life.

 

“Should we really be reading so far into this?  I mean, isn’t this a case of ‘people in glass houses’?  We don’t want them finding out about Vegas.” Jon says.

 

“No one’s going to find out about Vegas.  They lost their chance at secrecy when they had sex on my couch and then sent me a dick pic.”

 

* * *

Hot Pie has been trying to teach Arya how to bake bread.  She’s not great at it. He says that she’s taking out her frustrations on the dough, and that means she ends up over-kneading it.  The end product still isn’t too bad, if you don’t mind crust. Pretty much the entire loaf is crust. It’s chewy. Makes good toast, though.

 

Arya’s sawing through a piece of crust when Sansa comes into the kitchen.  Sansa makes a sandwich with some unexciting white bread. Her sandwich looks soft.

 

“You know who I saw today?” Sansa asks.

 

“Theon?” Arya guesses.

 

“What?  No, I saw Gendry.” Sansa says.

 

“Cool.” Arya has to focus in on what she’s doing with the bread, or she’s going to lose a finger.

 

“What was Gendry doing at town hall?” Sansa asks.

 

Ah, right.  Sansa has her internship at town hall.  To hear Sansa talk about it, the job is 80% menial tasks, and 20% losing all faith in the city’s elected officials.  Gendry should have known about that. Arya should’ve gone, she’s way better at being sneaky.

 

“Not sure” Arya says.  “Maybe he’s thinking of running for town office.”

 

“Gendry hates government.” Sansa says.

 

“Does he?” Arya asks.  He does.

 

“I know you’re hiding something.” Says Sansa.

 

“Am I?” Arya asks.  She is.

 

* * *

Jon won’t put Sam on speakerphone, so Arya and Gendry can only hear half the conversation.

 

“I was under the impression that it was really easy to get an annulment.” Jon is saying.

 

Sam says something.  Arya can’t quite make out what, but he sounds concerned.

 

“No reason.  Just thought it’d be an interesting topic to do some research on.” Jon says.

 

There’s a long pause as Sam says more things Arya can’t quite hear.

 

“What’s he saying?” Gendry asks.

 

Jon scowls.  “He says you’d probably need to have some sort of proof that- wait, Sam, what if nothing ever got signed?  Like, hypothetically.”

 

Short pause.

 

“Even then?  Huh.” Jon says.  “Thanks Sam.”

 

Jon ends the call.  He slouches back in his chair and drags a hand across his face.

 

“Why didn’t we bring Sam and Gilly with us?  They wouldn’t have let this happen.” Gendry says.

 

“They couldn’t find a sitter for the weekend.” Jon says.

 

“Goddamn responsible adults.” Arya sighs.

 

* * *

When Arya was abroad in Bravos for a few years someone had the bright idea to renovate her old room into a study.  Then she came back, and found herself relegated to the second floor guest room. The lighting is actually better than in her old room, and now she doesn’t share walls with any of the other bedrooms, so Arya isn’t complaining.

 

Gendry  _ is _ complaining, because of who he is as a person in general, but in this specific case because the guest bedroom only has a twin bed.  After much rearranging, it was determined that the most comfortable sleeping arrangement is a sort of stacking situation. If Arya spreads out all her limbs as much as possible, she can distribute her weight evenly enough that she doesn’t completely suffocate Gendry by lying on top of him.

 

New tenants just moved in directly above Gendry’s apartment yesterday.  They’ve apparently been drilling and hammering ever since. So Gendry is staying with the Starks for a few days.  Arya’s mom’s car has been making a weird grinding noise whenever she starts the engine, and Gendry agreed to take a look at it.  That interaction has gone a long way towards Stark family acceptance of their youngest daughter living in sin.

 

There’s a few hours until dawn.  A noise wakes Arya up. Gendry doesn’t exactly snore, but he breathes really loudly.  Gendry may have a sleep apnea diagnosis in his future. Arya can still just barely hear the front door downstairs clicking closed.  She shakes Gendry’s shoulder until he wakes up. Gendry’s first waking action is to roll over, dumping Arya off the bed and onto the floor.

 

“I think someone’s robbing the house.” Arya whispers, hoping the sound of her hitting the hardwood floor didn’t alert the intruder.

 

“Sorry,” Gendry mumbles, looking over the edge of the bed.  “What?”

 

“Do you hear that downstairs?  Someone just came in the front door.”  Arya says. They both listen. Someone’s definitely walking around down there.

 

They elect to go check it out.  Arya rummages around in her dresser for burglar-defense tools.  Jon’s been giving her knives as birthday and Christmas gifts for years now.

 

They head down the stairs as quietly as possible.  Arya’s leading the way, because she’s dual-wielding hunting knives.  Gendry is following behind with a baseball bat he found under the bed.  He looks about halfway awake.

 

Arya flips on the light at the bottom of the stairs, and there isn’t a burglar.  There’s just Theon, looking startled. She lowers her hunting knives.

 

“Jesus  _ Christ _ , what are those, machetes?” Theon asks, taking a big step backwards.  Arya would normally correct him, but it’s two in the morning, so she’ll let that inaccuracy slide.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asks.

 

“I have a key.” Theon says, like that explains anything.

 

Gendry shrugs and turns to go back upstairs.

 

“I think I left my jacket here.”  Theon offers.

 

“So you came back to get it  _ now _ ?” Arya asks.

 

“It’s a really nice jacket.” Theon says.

 

* * *

Arya and Gendry were going to go shopping and then make brunch.  Arya usually tries to distance herself from high-society activities like brunch, but the appeal of waking up at 10:30 and eating a double-sized carb-heavy meal truly transcends social class.  As it is, they’ve been a little sidetracked. The twin bed is not as much of a turn-off as Arya had feared it might be. Now they’re both extra hungry. A half hour round trip to the grocery store is out of the question.  There’s probably something brunch-worthy already in the fridge.

 

Jon is in the kitchen, watching as they forage for food.  Jon has made toast with the last piece of white bread. Half of Arya’s homemade bread loaf is left on the counter.  Arya doesn’t want to take the time to enter combat with a loaf of bread right now. There’s some leftover chicken in the fridge.  Chicken isn’t exactly a brunch food, but it’s battered in some sort of egg mixture, and eggs  _ are _ appropriate brunch food, so it counts.

 

Arya and Gendry settle into their meal.  They’ll just have to make pancakes some other time.

 

“Hey, if we don’t figure the Vegas thing out by April, do I get a tax deduction?” Gendry asks.

 

“That feels like tax fraud.” Jon says.

 

“The ‘Vegas thing’?” Arya repeats.  “Is that what we’re calling it now?”

 

The front door swings open and Sansa storms in.  Theon strolls along behind her, smirking. They’re both holding coffees.  They must have just come from Starbucks.

 

“Hi Sansa.” Jon says, far too casually.

 

“Arya,  _ what did you do _ ?” Sansa asks, with the  _ I’m-not-angry-I’m-just-disappointed _ tone of someone asking a rhetorical question.

 

“I didn’t do anything!” Arya tells her.

 

Sansa points an accusatory finger at Arya.  Then she points at Gendry. Then back at Arya.  “Sam said you all were asking him about getting annulments.  I swear to the Gods, Arya,  _ did you and Gendry get married in Vegas _ ?”

 

Arya looks at Gendry.  Gendry raises his eyebrows at her.

 

“No.”  Arya says, carefully,  “Gendry and I did not get married in Vegas.”

 

Theon’s eyes light up.  “But  _ someone _ did.”

 

Jon clears his throat.  “I didn’t want to bring this up, but if we’re airing everyone’s dirty laundry here, you two shouldn’t have fucked on the living room couch.”

 

Theon laughs out loud.  “Oh my God, it wasn’t Arya, it was  _ Jon _ .  Jon got married in Vegas! Who-”

 

Sansa cuts him off.  “We did not have sex on the couch!”

 

“You can admit it.  The evidence is damning.” Arya says.  “We have the dick pic to prove it.”

 

Sansa whips around.  “You sent Arya a dick pic?   _ What the hell _ , Theon?”

 

Theon holds up his free hand in a scouts-honor gesture. “Not on purpose!”

 

“You’re telling me you came here at 2 AM and it  _ wasn’t _ for a booty call?” Arya asks.

 

“You think  _ Sansa _ would make a booty call?  Jon got married in Vegas, how is  _ that _ not the bigger story right now?” Theon asks.

 

“Alright, I’ll come clean.”  Jon says. “We all got really drunk in Vegas and I accidentally married Gendry.”

 

Gendry and Arya both exhale in unison.  They knew Jon would be the first to break.  Sansa and Jon look at Theon expectantly. Theon looks back at them all belligerently.  Sansa folds her arms.

 

“Okay, I fucked Robb.  Is that what you want to hear?” Theon says.

 

Everyone starts to ask different questions at the same time.  Arya is the loudest.

 

“On our couch?” She says.

 

“On your couch.” Theon confirms.  Everyone groans.

 

“We’ve been using that couch  _ all week _ .” Jon says.

 

Theon rolls his eyes.  “Why are you all so hung up on the damn couch?  You should see what happened on the kitchen table.”


End file.
